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CHAPTER 2: Promise To Try

On their way back home, Graham and Sarah Carter were quiet, silent. Sarah knew that her husband was rather shocked and didn’t know how to handle his son’s speech and what it meant.

“Graham,” she had to break the ice, “I’d like to talk with you…about Steven.”

“What?” he coldly replies.

“ You haven’t said a word since we left the school. What do you think? ”

“I can’t say I’m really happy about all this.”

“I kept thinking that the poor kid was hiding this from us for all this time, afraid of being teased, rejected… afraid that we wouldn’t love him anymore.”

A few tears escaped Sarah’s eyes as she tried to reach Graham’s paternal feelings.

“Sarah, you know I love him and that I always will. It’s not that. I’m disappointed… and angry! He should have told us instead of the whole bloody school!” Graham didn’t expect such a clear thought; neither did Sarah.

“What would you have said if he had come to you?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t expect that one. I would probably have told him that it doesn’t matter…” He realises what he has just said. “I just don’t know what to do, what to say around him now.”

Sarah looks at her husband, pleased and reassured. It will not be easy, but she knows it is going to be all right.

“Graham?” He just turns his head in his wife’s direction. “Please have a talk with him. Let him know it doesn’t matter.”

“Alright.”


********************


Linda is driving Steven home. She was happy to see her little “tart” smile again. But he was so quiet, preoccupied; something must have happened, or was it only the speech? “It was quite an event telling the whole school, the whole world, you’re gay.” She was proud of him though. Maybe now he will be more careful!

“Linds,” Steven started with a shaky voice, “I didn’t plan that speech at all, you knew that?”

“I bet it would have been hard to plan it anyway?”

“Yeah. I’ve got to tell you, though, I don’t think I’m ever gonna see John again.” His voice started to tremble.

“Why is that?”

“Now that I’ve come out, it won’t be possible for me to be around John at all. And he is not quite ready to make that move. He barely admitted it to himself…”

“I sense there is something more to that story,” Linda says, cutting off Steven.

“Indeed, it has to do with the reason I gave that speech. I was angry and disappointed that John didn’t want to make ‘the’ move. He just left me there. He forgot his bag. Being angry and hurt, I ripped his training shirt. Kevin and Dave caught me! I thought they would simply kill me. Then John came back for his bag and, seeing them, he told them to wait outside. He pretended to teach me a lesson but, at one point I fell, and he held me back. We were about to kiss…”

“Tart!”

“Oh please, Linds, I don’t need that at this moment!”

“He’s right,” she thinks. “Shut up and let him finish.”

“As I was saying, we were that close to kissing when Kevin entered. John panicked, pushed me against the lockers and, and…” He just can’t say it, the whole scene being too absurd, too unbelievable. “By then, I was sad, angry; I felt betrayed. The pain made me do it.”

“I didn’t know… I guess you’re over that prat for good!”

“I don’t know, Linda. I still love him, you know, no matter what he did. I’m angry with him, but I love him. I just thought that…”

“How can you? After what he did!” Linda replied angrily, more protectively.

“I’m hurt, yes, but he’s scared. Only, God knows, I can understand him; don’t ask why or how. But I can’t see him anymore because of that speech.”

“You know, Steven, I don’t always agree with you—and sometimes I think you’re really fucked up—but being who you are, it doesn’t surprise me in a way.”

“Thanks.”

“I won’t worry so long as you take care of yourself and make the right—shall I say the best?—decisions for you. That’s one of the reasons why I like you; you’re far more sensitive than I can be.” She gives him a smile to comfort him. “But don’t come and ask for my approval! I’ll love you, whatever you do.”


********************


The Carters are having a cup of tea in the living room when they hear Steven come in.

“Steven? Is that you?” Graham thought it would be an opportunity to “catch up” with his son.

“Yeah. I’ll be in my room…” His voice trails off as he climbs the stairs.

“Sarah, don’t worry.” His wife is nervous and it is showing now. “I’ll talk to him. I’m going to see how he’s doing first.” Slowly, Graham makes his way towards Steven’s room.

Steven hears some footsteps and, when he takes a glance at his door, he sees his father standing there looking at the ground.

“Dad, come in.” It was unusual for him to say that; his dad had never been hesitant about entering his room.

“Can we talk, Steven?”

“Yes. About what?” Steven then realises there are not many subjects to talk about under the circumstances.

“Well, you know, your speech… you.”

“Ah! yeah.”

No-one knew what to say now, how to get into this rather delicate issue. Graham, not finding the words, manages to break the awkward silence.

“It doesn’t matter, you know.”

“What?” Steven has a surprised expression on his face, a mixture of hope and nervousness.

“That you’re que… gay.”

“Really?”

“You know me, don’t you? I can’t say I understand or that I’m really happy about it, but I guess there is nothing I can change about it.”

“It means a lot to me. Thanks.”

“Being gay?”

“What you just said.”

Graham felt stupid for an instant. Why did he say that? He chose to focus on the conversation instead.

“In order for me to understand, or try to, can I ask you something?”

Steven was not sure. The whole day had drained him. But on the other hand, he had waited for, and wanted, this conversation for a long time.

“Umm, yeah, what is it?”

“Have you ever met… you know… been with another man?” It was the one question Graham never thought he’d be able to ask and the one Steven was the most reluctant to answer.

“Yes.” Steven answered with a hesitating tone. He didn’t want to lie anymore, but he was not yet comfortable with his new status.

“And… and are you involved with anyone right now?”

Steven’s face turned pale, and a sad look came into his eyes.

“What have I said? Sorry. I’m so clumsy when it comes down to these things.” He couldn’t stop apologising.

“It’s alright, I was…”

“Oh?”

“With John, John Dixon.”

“The one we met this afternoon?” Steven just nodded in agreement.

Now everything seemed clear in Graham’s mind.

“So you were at his place last weekend? Why did you say…?”

“I’d rather not talk about it, if you don’t mind.” Steven cuts his dad off, having had enough emotions already for a single day. “Maybe some other time, okay?”

“Of course, no problem.” Graham goes back into the living room, where Sarah is waiting for him. His mind has new information to process, a lot for him in one day, and his heart is reassured that Steven is back, back for good, he hopes. Sarah glances at him, curious to know how it has gone.