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CHAPTER 11: Hidden Secrets

John was half asleep when Brenda creped into the bedroom. He watched as she slipped on her night gown and stepped into the bathroom.
His body stiffened with tension., his emotion mixed. Jealousies and anger swept over him. He tagged on the blanket, pulled it closer to his body as if trying to squeeze the feelings out.

The two had been at odds for over a week. They contently argued over what she did and whom she did it with. Not knowing, her whereabouts made him jealous. John wanted all of her time, wanted to wake up to her in the morning and go to bed with her in his arms at night. The jest, he needed her to be there.

He had little to feel good about himself, she was the only reason he pulled himself out of bed . Knowing she would always be there as his safety net. He almost played on her feelings for him. No intentionally, but never the less using her.
John could picture a life with Brenda. Big white house that sat on acres and acres of land. Children running around the yard, screaming “Mum, Dad.” he would come home, she’ll be waiting. They’ll talk about hard days at the offices, while dressing for a night on the town. Life would be good for them.

This wasn’t the life John wanted to lead, it was the life laid out for him. His parents and their parents had a plan, not just for him, but for the Dixon family. Dignity and prestige was to be valued, never taken away from the Dixon name. Being gay didn’t fit into that format. He wasn’t strong enough to challenge that.

He could deal with late night rendezvous, making no-love with man, in some cheap hotel room. Then going home, curling up next to Brenda. Declaring his undeniable love. Yes, it would be a life of lies and secrets, but his parents and friends would be happy. They could kept he ideal John, they spent so many years grooming and programming. He could keep their love and approval.

His mind wonder over to Steven Carter. He pictured what life would be like with him. The person he truly loved and wanted to be with. Could they have the same big house, children, and late nights on the town. Could he take Steve to company parties and picnics. Would they get the same respect, and love he and Brenda would. He asked the questions and the answers where very clear. No, they could never have the dream life John wanted. John cried softly.

He heard water running, seconds later the bathroom door opened spilling light into the once dark room, Brenda stepped out. He whapped his eyes quickly, pushing away all thoughts of Steve from his head. Brenda climbed into bed. John turned to lay on his back. Brenda placed her head on his chest, something she did every night.

She found comforted in the arms of this man. She needed to be needed and she know he needed her. He was hurting deeply, needed a hand to hold him above water. She was that hand, his friend and his lover, whenever another man didn’t share his bed.
She’d never meant to get attached to him, give her body to him when ever he asked. She felt like a slut, a slut in love with her pimp. What had he ever given her. He really didn’t know her, never took the time to find out her soul. What did he do to deserve the love and loyalty she gave him

People clanged to her, people like John. People who needed a voice because theirs were too weak to be heard over the crowd. But why should she talk for them, no one cared to talk for her. Who had her back when she really need it. Not John. He couldn’t even hold his own.
Brenda hade behind a hard personality, strong words and a sexy body. Beyond that she had little on no reason to love herself. She grew up to fast, to soon. Between impatience nannies and parents on the go, there was no one to tell her she was special. Maybe that’s why she attached herself to man. For a brief moment during sex she felt special, in control.

John kissed Brenda on the forehead, rubbing his hand up her arm. He pulled her face towards him, preparing to kiss her on the lips. Brenda pulled away. She wasn’t in the mood for that tonight, she needed sleep. Didn’t feel like being used.
She moved closer to edge, removing her head from his strong chest. Her back faced him as she tried to sleep, or as least pretend to sleep.

He ran his hand down her back, sending electric waves up and down her spine. She wiggled a little in her spot, trying no to let him get to her. He had a way of making her want him so bad she could taste it.
She tried to move further way, but was out of room. One more inch and she’d be kissing the floor. John wasn’t getting the messages. Why would he, she did whatever he wanted, when her wanted. He had no reason to believe this night was any different. She vowed at that very moment never to give her body or her to this man again. He’ll never love her and she knew that.
“John, not now.” She said, pushing his hand away, she closed her eyes and slept.

The sun shined on John’s face, making it impossible to sleep in. He sat up, stretching his arms and rolling his neck. There was a lot to do today, work out, visit the country club, than party all night at the Basingstroke parade.
He looked over his shoulder, Brenda was still asleep. She didn’t want to be touched last night. It bothered him. Was another man taking his place in her heart. What was going on with her. He decided to wake her; it was to get some answers.

“B, wake up. I need to talk to you.” He said shaking her arms,

“What time is it?” She asked

“A little after nine.” He answered.

“Wake me up tomorrow.” She said pulling the cover over her face.

“Get up, I have to talk to you. Brenda get up.”

“I’m up, I’m up. What?”

“Are you seeing someone?” He asked. He didn’t mean it to come out harsse.

“No. I’m not seeing anyone.”

“Where have you been the last few nights?” He demanded

“Just around the city. Why are you making this a big deal?” She asked, sitting up against the headboard.

“If it’s not a big deal, why won’t you be straight with me?” Answering her question with a question.

“John, do I have to tell you every move I make. Come on let it go.” She said, anger starting to rise in her voice.

“It’s obvious you’re hiding something. I thought we trusted each other. Told each other everything.”

“I’m getting tiered of this mess. Are you ever going to let up?”

“I’m hurt, you don’t trust me. That hurts.”

“John this has nothing to doe with trust. It’s the fact that I don’t like to be questioned about where I go and who I’m with. Just let it go.” She said. She thru the covers back, kicked her legs out of the bed and stormed in the bathroom.

When she came out, John was sitting on the end of the bed. He looked up; she could see tiny tears in his eyes. She thought about confessing. Telling him about her new found friendship with Steve. If she did, it would mess up her plan, and nothing could mess up her master plan. She walked towards him, wrapped her arms around his neck.

“If you trust me, then no that I’m not trying to hurt you. There are some things that I need to do, and they don’t involve you. Ok, just give me a little space.” she smiled.

“Ok, I’ll drop it.”

“Thanks,”

“Are you still going to the parade with me?” He asked.

“Yeah, that’s the plan.”