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CHAPTER 4: Into the Light of Day?

John, Steven, Mark, and Wendy met in a Chinese restaurant not too far from the mall where Steven’s father had his shop. Mark and Wendy were already there, and Steven and John joined them at their table.

“All right.” Mark exclaimed. “I was wondering if you two would show up.”

“Yeah, well we almost didn’t. John’s not feeling much like coming out into the light, as it were.”

“Got to do it sometime, John” Wendy said, “Especially now when probably everyone in town knows.”

“Christ! That’s all I need.” John exclaimed.

“Aw come on John, in a couple weeks, we’ll be old news.” Steven laughed.

“Can’t come soon enough for me.” John said.

The waiter came, and they ordered their food.

“So, Steve. How long have you known that you were gay?” Mark asked.

“Since he was in cubs” John chimed in.

“Cubs? We were in cubs together. When in cubs?” Mark asked.

“Remember when Trev had that porn mag that he got from his older brother? When he was passing it around, everyone was getting excited over seeing the girls, and that wasn’t turning me on at all. I was more excited seeing the guys. I remember Nigel saying that he would rather see another guys willie any time, and I said I would too. God I wonder what happened to Nigel?”

“Your first coming out experience, eh?” Wendy said.

“I guess it was. Didn’t think about that.”

“Nigel moved away sometime during that time in cubs. I barely remember him.” Mark said.

“Well, anyway, I pretty much knew from that point on, that I liked boys.”

“And you never said anything to me? How come?”

“And just how do you think you would have taken it? You were my best mate, and I knew you definitely liked girls, so I didn’t want to jeopardize our relationship.”

“Yeah, I don’t know how I would have taken it back then. It was hard enough when you did come out. Wendy here was the one that brought me up short on that one.”

“Yeah? How so?”

“I just told him, you were no different now than you were before your grand announcement. Plus a few other things to get him out of his ‘coma’.” Wendy said.

“In time to threaten my dad I guess.” John said. “Thanks for backing Steven and I up. Steven told me what you said. I guess I was too shocked to remember it.”

“I couldn’t believe what your dad did. I was just walking over to see what was going on because it involved Steve, and then that happened. I didn’t realize that you had just told your parents. How is it going with them?”

“Well, so-so. Mum’s ok with it, I think. She really hasn’t said much as she’s too busy trying to find out about dad, who I think has completely gone off his nut!”

“I’m sorry John. That’s too bad.” Wendy said.

“Yeah, Stevens parents have been kind enough to take me in.”

“I like Steve’s parents. They’ve always been real super with me.” Mark said.

“Yeah, they’ve even let us share the same bed.” John said.

“No kidding? Gee, I wonder if . . .” Mark said grinning broadly looking at Wendy.

“Ha. Fat chance Marko, besides my parents might have something to say about that also.” Wendy laughed.

The food arrived, and everyone grew silent as they began to pass the dishes and eat. While they were eating, passing by on the walk outside was Kevin and Dave. Dave saw the four sitting in the restaurant, and deflected Kevin’s view away from the window of the establishment, as the four were quite visible from outside. He was successful.


Dave and Kevin were hurrying along to the Boot and Nail pub to go get some lunch along with a pint or two. They had both met some of the their mates there the evening before to celebrate the ending of the school term. The main topic of discussion was the incident involving John, his father and Steven. Kevin and Dave had already left the campus when the altercation happened. Kevin didn’t believe the reason Raymond had hit John. It had to be something else.

They entered the pub and took a table near the front window. They ordered some lunch and a pint.

“Christ! I don’t believe what they said last night.” Kevin stated.

“About John?” Dave answered.

“Of course, about John! I mean we’ve know him for how long?”

“I don’t know, 7, maybe 8 years – at least for me.” Dave answered.

“Yeah that’s about right. And in all that time, did John ever come on to us?
No! Of course he didn’t. That’s a bunch of bull shit, John being gay.!”

“Yeah, well, what about him with Steven? I mean they said he was holding Steven’s hand, and you said yourself, you saw John with Steven on 3 or 4 occasions . . .”

“So? What does that prove? John is not gay!” Kevin paused. “He can’t be!”

“What if he is?” Dave went on.

“I don’t want to think about it.”

“Well, I think we’d better think about it. There is some pretty convincing evidence there that he is. Even if he is, I don’t think that’s going to make that much difference to me.” Dave said.

“Christ Dave! Are you going soft on me too?”

“No. I just think if he’s gay, then he’s gay. I don’t care. I still like him.”

“Shit! Fine! You can go get some navy cake from John if you want, I don’t want anything to do with him if he is. Fuck! I’m outta here!” Kevin stood up knocking the chair over as he did and stomped out of the pub.

Just as Kevin made his dramatic exit, the food arrived and was placed before Dave and the empty place across from him.

“What was that all about?” A voice questioned behind Dave.

Dave turned around to see Mr. Hutton.

“Are you hungry?” Dave asked. “Sit down and enjoy.”

Mr. Hutton sat in Kevin’s seat. “No, I’ve already eaten. So what’s with the volatile Kevin?”

“John Dixon.”

“Oh.”

“You’ve heard?”

“Only second or third hand.”

“Same here. But as Kevin and I were coming here, I saw John and Steven in the Chinese restaurant with Mark and Wendy.”

“I assume you mean Steven Carter.”

“The one and only.”

“Well, that doesn’t really prove anything, though I suppose it could.”

“Well, even if he is gay, I still like him. He’s been a good mate for many years. Kevin is going off his nut with this.”

“Do you think Kevin is jealous?”

“Kevin? Do you mean do I think that Kevin is gay also?”

“Well, I don’t know, but he could be. Sometimes very close friends have a real falling out when one of them starts taking more interest in somebody else, be it a girlfriend, another friend, or whatever.”

“Kevin never got upset when John was dating girls. I think he’s just upset that John may be gay.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. Do you know if he is a homophobe?”

“Well, I’m not sure. He used to badger Carter, and call him queer, and other names as well as a few other lads, but I don’t think he really knew if they were gay. I think he was just being the bully. He’s really upset over this.”

“Do you think he’ll try something? Do something?”

“I don’t know. I wish I did know.”

“Maybe a warning to John might be in order.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. I’ll call him.”



Veronica and Raymond were sitting across from each other on either side of Raymond’s desk in his study. Veronica was looking intensely at her weeping husband.

“Raymond.” She said softly. “After all these years, are you telling me that you are a homosexual?”

“Vee!” he choked out before breaking down completely. He began to sob uncontrollably.

Veronica got up and walked around and put her hand on Raymond’s shoulder. “Come on, pull yourself together.” She rubbed his shoulders trying to get him to stop his weeping. “Raymond. Come on. We need to talk this out.”

After a few minutes his sobbing had abated, and he was rubbing his eyes with a tissue trying to dry them.

“I’m sorry Vee. John’s announcement just set me off. I’ve been fighting the same feelings myself all these years.”

“Why didn’t you just go ahead and live your life as a gay person? I mean, how do I fit into all of this? Why did you marry me, if you aren’t, aren’t . . .”

“I want to tell you, I did fall in love with you, and I do love you very much. I just thought I could overcome these feelings I had and didn’t fully understand. How long have we been married Vee?”

“You know that, 31 years.”

“Think back, 31 years ago. And 31 years ago I was 29. In my teens and 20’s there was no gay awareness, gays were persecuted, you were not gay. You couldn’t be gay. The way of life to follow was to get married, have a family, and live happily ever after. I wanted that lifestyle. I wanted a family, a wife, that lifestyle.”

“So when did you really know that you were homosexual?”

“I probably always knew. Sometime in the early 80’s, after all the stories in the papers regarding gay rights, and more and more people saying that they were gay, I really knew then what I was. But then, John was just born, and I loved him, I loved you. I wasn’t about to give you two up for a lifestyle that I really didn’t know even though that’s where my ‘urges’ as it were, were wanting me to go.”

“Oh Raymond. I don’t know what to say. What about us now?”

“I don’t want anything to change.”

“Why did you get so angry at John if you yourself are . . . gay?”

“Maybe because of what I’ve been through, I didn’t want John to go through the same thing. All these years, I wondered if he was gay because of me. I guess when he told me that he was, I just lost it. I so much didn’t want him to be gay. I don’t know how I’m going to make this right with him, with you. Oh, Vee!” Raymond raised his hands to his face and started sobbing again.

“Raymond. Come on. You need to calm down. Please. I don’t think that being gay is an inherited trait.”

“What are we going to do?” He sobbed. “What are you going to do? I don’t want to lose you Vee. I really and truly do love you.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. This is a shock. I need time to think this over, I just need time. It’s not every day that both your husband and son confess to you that they prefer men.” Veronica walked around and sat down on the chair facing Raymond.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you Vee.”

“I know you didn’t. I know you didn’t. How are we going to handle this with John? He’s going to have to know.”

“Why does anyone have to know?”

“How are you going to explain your actions toward John? That was so unlike you. Better tell him the truth. If I know John, he’ll respect your wishes and not say anything about it. I know I won’t say anything. I can just hear the wags now if they ever find out.”

“God. I’ll be ruined.”

“Well, I don’t think you’ll be ruined, but we would be subject to some abuse by certain people. We certainly would find out who are real friends were.”

“You said ‘we’.”

Veronica just looked at her husband and gave him a little smile.

“I still want time to think Raymond.” Veronica got up from her chair and left the study and Raymond.

Raymond sat and thought of all the times over the years when he almost abandoned his family because of his feelings. The times when he thought he couldn’t take it any more. It had been getting worse and worse with gay rights being more in the news, and more and more people coming out of the closet. A great weight had been lifted off his shoulders, even though there was still some apprehension to deal with. He just hoped that Veronica would stick by him.


The four had finished their lunch, and were walking toward the mall. Steven wanted to call in on his father at the shop. As they went toward the entrance, Dave came out the door of the pub and literally bumped into Steven.

“Carter. John.” He said, and nodded to Mark and Wendy who he really didn’t know. “Sorry, didn’t mean to run into you like that.”

“That’s ok. No harm done.” Steven replied.

There were a couple moments of embarrassed silence.

“John, uh, I heard a rumor . . .” He began.

“Sorry to disappoint you mate, but it’s true, if the rumor is the one I’m thinking about.” John said.

“So, you and Carter . . .”

“We’re a little more than mates.” John said softly. “Any problems?”

“Not with me. There is with Kevin.”

“Somehow I’m not surprised.” Steven declared.

“He just left the pub a few minutes ago, madder than hell because I wouldn’t be angry about you being gay.” Dave said. “If I were you, I’d watch my back. You too Carter.”

“Ok, thanks for the warning, mate.” John said.

“I’ve always steered clear of him. This won’t be anything different for me!” Steven stated.

The bid each other goodbye, and continued into the mall.

After visiting with Graham in the photo shop for a few minutes, they stopped in to say hi to Linda. They didn’t stay but a minute because Linda was busy with a customer.
They then started back toward the Carter house.

“We’ll have to do this again sometime.” Mark said.

“Yeah. I enjoyed my self.” Steven said.

“I’ll have to admit, this is the first time I’ve double dated with a male couple!” Wendy said laughingly. “Too bad we don’t have a car, we could double date out to make-out point some evening.”

“Jeeze, Wendy!” Mark exclaimed. “And anyway, how do you know about make-out point?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Wendy teased.

John and Steven laughed at Mark and Wendy’s antics.

“John has his license.” Steven said.

“Yeah, but no car.” John said.

“You could use one of your parents’.” Steven said.

“Well, I don’t know about that, especially right now. I don’t want to push anything, if you know what I mean.” John said.

The playful bantering went on among the four as the walked on. Soon they parted company as Mark and Wendy headed off toward Wendy’s house. It was only another block to Stevens.

As they walked in, they noticed that Sarah wasn’t home yet from shopping. Steven looked at the answering machine with its blinking light notifying them that there were some calls. He punched the button.

“This is Veronica Dixon for John. I’ll call back later, probably around 3 PM.”

“This is Mr. Alcock from Belvedere. I need to speak with either Mr. or Mrs. Carter at your earliest convenience.” A phone number was left.

“Christ! I wonder what Alcock wants.” Steven exclaimed.

“Yeah, and I wonder what mum wants. She sounded a little subdued to me.” John said.

Just then, the sound of a car driving up in the driveway was heard. Both the boys went to the door to see Sarah returning with groceries. They both went out and helped her in with the messages.

“I took the car from the shop. I’ll have to go back and pick up Graham around 6 PM.” She said.

Before he thought, John said “I can do it if you want.”

“You have your license? Well, maybe I might just let you.” Sarah smiled back at him.

Sarah was told about the phone messages. She thought she’d better answer the one from Mr. Alcock before Graham got home as it might be too late in the day when he did get home. She went into the hall, and dialed the number he had left.

“Mr. Alcock? This is Sarah Carter. You called.”

Steven and John we’re trying to listen to Sarah’s end of the conversation, but Sarah had closed the door to the living room, and couldn’t really hear what she was saying.

“Well, I wonder what Alcock is up to.” Steven said.

“Probably no good.” John replied.

“You think so? I know it’s about my speech yesterday. I wonder if he’s heard about you as well?”

“Probably.”

“Shit.” Steven exclaimed.

“Hey, I guess something like this was bound to happen.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. I didn’t think about Alcock, though I should have. He’s the one who censored my gay article in the mag.”

Just then, Sarah came through the door to the living room looking a little worried.

“What’s up mum? What did Alcock say?”

“Well, it seems some parents took exception to your speech yesterday. They want Alcock to not let you return to Belvedere next fall. I don’t know if they can do that, but I guess they can.”

“Boy, wait until dad hears this!” Steven uttered.

“There should be something we could do about it? We need to get some of the other students mobilized . . .” John started.

“Well, for right now, we’ll just sit still and wait until Graham gets home. I’m sure he will have s suggestion or two.” Sarah said. “I need some tea.” She walked into the kitchen.

“I’m going to call Mark.” Steven said as he headed for the hall and the phone.

John sat down on the couch. He was really starting to get worried that Steven wouldn’t be allowed to finish his last year at Belvedere. That would be so unfair. He wished his dad were on his side, as he probably could think of something to do regarding this. Dad. I wonder what mum has found out about dad.

“Well, Mark is going to talk to Wendy and see if there is something we call all do. If I know Wendy, she’ll get something going.” Steven said as he entered the room. Seeing John sitting on the couch with a worried look on his face, he asked, “What’s up? You look like you’d lost your last friend.”

“Just worried about you. That would be so unfair if you got booted.”

“Yeah, well, it hasn’t happened yet. It may not happen. Anyway, we’ve got awhile before anything happens, I hope.” Steven said.

“Yeah.”

“When’s you mum calling? 3 o’clock?”

“Yeah? What time is it?”

“Almost 3.”

There was silence and both the boys sat next to each other on the couch. John reached over and took Steven’s hand in his and held it. They both sat there listening to the ticking clock on the bookcase and leaning against each other.

A few minutes past 3, the phone rang.

“Let mum get it.” Steven said.

They both head Sarah go from the kitchen into the hall. The phone stopped ringing. The door to the hall was closed, and they couldn’t hear what she was saying. Shortly, she opened the door, looked in and just said “John.”

John got up and walked across into the hall and picked up the phone off the table.

“Hello?”

“Hi honey. Is there a chance that we could get together and talk somewhere?” Veronica said.

“Yes, I guess so. Is it that bad?”

“No, not really. I think things will be all right, but it’s a little complicated. I don’t know how to explain it all right now. I have some thinking to do myself regarding all of this.”

“What kind of thinking? Mum, what’s happening?” John asked a little panicky.

“Don’t worry John, I’m sure everything will be ok. How about I pick you up about 4:30, and we can go somewhere and have tea?”

“Sure, that will be fine.”

“Ok, honey, I’ll see you then.”

John put down the receiver and walked back into the living room. Steven could tell that John was confused a little.

“Well?” He asked.

“Well, I don’t know. Mum wants to meet for tea. She’s picking me up at 4:30.”

“What about your dad?”

“Well, she just said it’s complicated, and needs to talk about it. I’m confused.”

“Yeah, that does sound confusing. Will you be coming back here?”

“I don’t know. I suppose so.”

John again sat down by Steven on the couch. They sat there for about ½ hour, and then they went upstairs to Stevens’s room so John could get ready to meet Veronica.


The Carters were sitting around the table in the kitchen, having finished their tea. It was about 7 Pm. Graham had become a little upset when he heard about Alcock’s phone call, but by this time had calmed down a little. He could see that Steven was concerned about John and his meeting with Veronica, as Steven had hardly eaten anything on his plate, but had mostly just pushed his food around on it.

As they were cleaning up the dishes, Steven heard a car door slam out in front. He raced to the front door. Opening it, he saw John coming up the drive as his mum was driving off. He had mixed feelings: one, John would be staying another night (hooray), and two; maybe things were not good with his father (boo).

John walked up the stairs, kissed Steven on the lips, and said, “You’re not going to believe this!”

“What?”

“Lets go up to your room.”

Both boys walked toward the hall, and went up to Steven’s room. They entered and closed the door behind them.

“Well, I would appreciate it if you would keep this to yourself. I mean, tell no one.” John started.

“Sure Johnny, you can trust me on that.”

“I know I can.” He took a deep breath. “The reason dad reacted so strongly to me being gay, is . . . apparently he’s been fighting the same feelings all his life.”

“Your dad is gay?” Steven asked.

“Apparently. He’s just never done anything about it. He loves mum, and he doesn’t want to leave her. I guess he thought it was his fault that I’m gay, and he didn’t want me to be like him.”

“Holy shit! Have you talked to him?”

“No. Mum wanted to know if I could stay here tonight again, and then go home tomorrow. She and dad still need time to talk things out. She’s going to call me tomorrow as to what time she’ll pick me up.”

“Holy shit!”

“You said that.” John laughed.

“I know. I just can’t believe this. What am I going to tell my mum and dad? I’m sure they are going to want to know why your dad did what he did.”

“Yeah, well maybe someday you could tell them the truth, but I would kind of prefer you would dance around it for now. I certainly don’t want to “out” him. He needs to do that himself if he’s going to do it. He’s gone this long . . .”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Ok, we’ll think of something. Anyway, the good news is that you’re spending another night here. I wonder if you parents would let me spend the night at your house sometime?”

“Well, I don’t see why not. We’ll have to see how it goes tomorrow.”

“We’ll? You don’t want me to come with you, do you?”

“No, at least not right away. I thought that maybe after I meet with dad, you could come over for a swim, or something. He needs to apologize to you as well.”

“For what?”

“For him abandoning me, and you taking me in.”

“Well, he probably should talk to my parents, not me, as they are the ones who agreed to take you in.”

“And you didn’t have anything to do with it?”

“Well. . . “

John laughed at Steven.