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CHAPTER 9: Dropping By

"Steven's back," Sarah Carter says as she hears the key in the lock.

"Hm," Graham grunts, totally caught up in his ten thousandth watching of Dr Who.

Her husband's absorption in his videos exasperates Sarah. Sometimes she'd just love to take those Dr Who tapes and throw them in the garbage along with the model daleks and Tardises and the cyberman suit.

"Hi mum."

"Steven," she sees another figure, "hello John," and another, " Mr Dixon, good evening." As she rises she bumps her husband's shoulder. His attention distracted from the video, he looks up and sees their visitors.

"Good evening." He stands, proffers his hand and Raymond Dixon shakes it heartily.

"Do sit down. Can I get you anything?" Sarah offers.

"No thanks," Raymond replies sitting on the sofa near the televison. John and Steven sit beside him. There is a lapse in conversation as they each search for something to say. "Is that Dr Who?" Raymond asks Graham.

"Yes."

"I used to watch it all the time when I was at school."

"I've got all the surviving episodes if you ever want to see them."

"I may keep you to that promise someday."

"No problem."

The conversation lapses again.

"Mr Dix…" Sarah begins as Raymond starts to say "The reas…"

"After you," Sarah says.

"Please call me Raymond."

"Okay. I'm Sarah, my husband's Graham."

Raymond smiles and gives a slight nod in acknowledgement. "The reason I've stopped by is that something's come up you need to know about."

"What's that?" Sarah asks.

"We had a visit this afternoon from a colleague of Veronica's on the Institute Council. Cynthia wanted us to join a group of parents from the school who were upset by Steven's speech."

Graham glares at Steven. "Why did you have to give that damn speech?"

Steven starts in shock from the emotional slap. When will his father get over it? His reaction does not pass unnoticed by John or Sarah.

"Mr Dix…, Raymond, you were saying?"

"From what she said they have some idea about trying to get Steven expelled."

"How dare they!" Graham explodes. "He's done nothing to deserve that."

"I agree. But that doesn't make any difference to them."

"For God's sake Steven what were you thinking of? If you'd thought for one moment you'd have realised this would happen. Didn't you think?"

Before Steven can react his mother leaps to his defence. "Graham! Steven did what he felt he had to. If we'd been more understanding it needn't have happened."

Graham doesn't seem to hear a word she has said. "I bet you're sorry now."

"No I'm not!" It's the last straw. For a fortnight Steven has been waiting for his father to show he understands. Every time he thinks he has something like this happens.

"Well you should be."

"Why?"

"Don't you understand the trouble you've got yourself into."

"I understand! I understand this town is full of people who only care about appearances and not about people. I understand perfectly well that they wish I didn't exist. Well I'm not going to give them joy of vanishing. I refuse to let them win."

"It's not about anyone winning. It's about your future."

"That's right. MY future, not theirs, not yours, MINE!" Steven shouts angrily. He storms out and runs up to his room. With a sad look of apology to his father John follows him.

Sarah rises to go after them. "I'm glad Steven made that speech," she says, looking angrily at her husband. "I'm glad he had the courage to stand up in front of all those people and tell them the truth. I am proud of him!" She turns away and leaves them.

Slowly she walks up stairs and stops outside Steven's room. The door is open and inside she can see Steven held tightly in John's arms, crying. John is facing her and Sarah is shocked to see the look of fear that passes over his face when he sees her. It is the face of a child caught doing something forbidden. She smiles encouragingly at him and leaves them undisturbed. Her son is in good hands.

John stares through the door in amazement. Sarah has seen him holding her son in his arms and she smiled!. A chill runs up his spine as he remembers the day in the Locker Room. Perhaps it would have been better if Kevin and Dave had come in a few seconds later.

"Why, Johnny Why?" Steven asks, he hasn't noticed his mother's presence.

"Don't worry."

"Why can't he get over it?"

"He will."

'When?"

"I can't answer that."

"Did I do the right thing?"

"We probably should have stayed down there."

"Not that. My damn speech! Should I have done it?"

John can't think how to answer.

"Did I do the right thing?" Steven asks again, needing assurance.

"I don't know Steve."

"Have I fucked up badly?"

"If you have then so have I."

"You?" Steven looks up into John's eyes. The tears in his eyes remind John of the night of the ball, the first night he spent with Steven. Then it had been he who had cried and Steven who had consoled him.

"We're both in the same boat. You told the whole school about yourself and now the Grenville-Barker bitch'll tell the town about me. We're both out now."

"It's my fault."

"How?"

"If I hadn't done it this wouldn't have happened."

"Which this?"

"What?"

"Do you mean the bitch or us?

"Her," Steven says hugging John tighter.

"They go together."

"Do they?"

"What would have happened to us if you hadn't made your speech?"

"I don't know."

"I do."

"What?"

"We'd both be miserable. You'd be back in the park and I'd be trying to get Christina to make up with me."

"Are you serious?"

"Very. Could you have forgiven me if I hadn't…"

"Come out? I don't know, maybe."

"Maybe not. I know me too well. I'd have tried to get you back but I would have wanted to keep it a secret as long as I could. You'd have hated that. That was the problem in the first place."

"That's what made me do it."

"It wasn't because I hit you?" John touches Steven's forehead lightly where the cut had been. It's completely healed now.

"That's part of why I made the speech. It's not why I wrote the article."

"I want to read that sometime."

"Anytime you want. It was what happened in the woods. Because I had to hide and lie. I couldn't see a how to stop and I couldn't stand it any more."

"There I was thinking you were so sure of yourself."

"Me? With you, with Linda, with Jess a bit, but no one else. I wasn't even brave enough to talk to Mark."

"You had someone to talk to. All I had was my journal. I felt so trapped, wanting you and wanting to be everything that other people wanted me to be. I couldn't see a way around it. I couldn't see that I was tearing myself apart. Do you know how much I tried to forget you?

"I guessed."

"It took ages for me to realise that I couldn't. I couldn't push you aside like Danny, I needed you too much. I had to get pissed to do anything about it."

"You weren't too pissed. You were still sober enough to make love." Steven smiles happily at the memory.

"That was one of the happiest times of my life."

"Mine too." Steven snuggles into John's arms.

"Then I tried to throw it away. I tried so hard. I'll never forgive myself for what I did."

"You don't have to."

"I can't."

"I have."

"Thank you." John kisses Steven on the cheek.

"So what happens now?"

"Well we could lock the door and…"

"John Dixon! What kind of boy do you think I am?"

"I know what kind of boy you are. You're beautiful," John kisses Steven's lips, "gorgeous," the tip of his nose, "sexy" his lips again, "and I love you." He gazes deeply into Steven's luminous eyes.

"I love you Johnny," Steven kisses John lightly on the lips. Their passion flares and the kiss overwhelms them both. Eventually they pull apart. "We better stop this before I ruin a perfectly good pair of trousers." Steven looks down to where their love and desire are making themselves all too obvious.

"I suppose so. You never know who'll come walking in."

They settle down comfortably on the bed, John with his back against the pillows, Steven in his arms, with his head resting on his left shoulder.

"Should we go back down?" Steven asks without showing any inclination to move.

"I suppose so." John doesn't move either.

"Do you know what your dad's got in mind?"

"No but he'll have a plan."

"How come he's been so good about this."

"I don't know. I thought he'd be the one who'd take it badly. I didn't expected him to throw me out or anything but I thought he'd be really hurt."

"The day you told them he said something to me about it."

"What?"

"Something like he wasn't happy about it but it was his duty to stand by you."

"I underestimated them. That's something else I should thank you for."

"What?"

"All I could see was their expectations for me. I lost sight of the fact that they were my parents. I was acting the way I thought they wanted me to act."

"Me too. I suppose they do it too, act the way they think they should act."

They lie there thoughtfully for a few moments, comfortably silent in each other's presence. It is John who breaks the silence.

"Okay Steve, I'll go down if you will."

There's a creak from the stairs. "No need," Steven says smiling. "Mum always does that when she doesn't want to surprise me. There's one step that squeaks but you have to make a point of standing on it in just the right way."

John springs up from the bed. When Sarah reaches the room she's not surprised to find Steven sitting on the bed and John standing by the window. She smiles softly at their caution.

"I'm sorry mum. I shouldn't have lost my temper," Steven apologises.

"It's not important." Sarah walks over to him and kisses him on the forehead.

"What did you decide?" John asks.

"We're getting together at your place on Sunday afternoon. All of us, Grace Hayward and her grandson, Mark and his parents if you can persuade them Steven, and anyone else that we can round up. Your father wants us to meet with the headmaster before anyone else can."

"That'll be fun," Steven says.

"John your father is just leaving."

"I'll be down in a moment." He looks longingly at Steven. His emotions are reflected in Steven's eyes. The expression on Steven's face removes Sarah's last qualms.

"Can I have a word with you John?"

"Sure," he says nervously and follows her out to the landing. "What can I do for you?"

The question Sarah would like to ask is simple, 'Do you love him?' But it wouldn't be fair to put him on the spot like that. She looks him in the eyes and is again shocked to see fear there. What is he afraid of?

"Would you like to stay the night?"

"Pardon?" This was the last thing he expected her to say, he just can't get used to being accepted for who he is. For so long he had convinced himself that his life would be ruined if anyone knew his awful secret. He is still surprised that it hasn't turned out that way.

"Would you like to stay? Your father's going home but I'm sure you and Steven have things to talk about." She is pleased to see the fear in his eyes replaced by hope. Yes he would love to stay. "Now there's only one thing I want to say first. I am going to tell my husband that I have your word that you will not…" What's a good euphemism? "That all you will do is talk and sleep."

The hope in John's eyes is tinged to disappointment. "Of c…"

Sarah puts her finger to her lips, stopping him from finishing his promise. "I said I will tell Graham that. It will make him happier about your staying. I'm not asking you to promise anything." It wouldn't be fair to make him give a promise he might not be able to keep.

"Bye John," Raymond calls from the bottom of the stairs.

John runs down the stairs and gives his father a shy hug. "'Night dad. Thanks."

"What for? It's not the first night you've stayed out. Call me in the morning, we've got lots of planning to do."

"Okay dad."

"Goodnight everyone."

To choruses of "Goodnight," Graham shows Raymond out. Then, giving John a friendly yet nervous smile he says goodnight to him and returns to the well-known sanctuary of his videos.

Gleefully John heads back up the stairs to Steven.