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CHAPTER 6: Five

The next morning I get to school early for a change, hoping to avoid the usual bullying from Kevin and Dave. As I step into the main hallway, I notice Jessica talking to another pupil. I head off in the opposite direction to where she is, watching over my shoulder to make sure she doesn't see me. I'm not in the mood for creating an awkward scene at the moment, especially after what happened yesterday. After I have gone about a dozen steps, I idiotically knock over a blackboard saying 'Quiet Please' that is standing on an easel outside a classroom. Quickly recovering my balance, I just run off before the teacher in the room comes out to see what the commotion is and, hopefully before Jessica notices that I'm there. I get to where my first class is with no further incident and just wait there, sitting on the floor till its time to go in.

That lunch break, I go and sit at one of the outdoor tables near the training grounds in the hopes of catching up with John. When I get there I throw my bag on the table, sit down and get out some of my school work to keep myself occupied until John turns up. After about 15 minutes I notice John and Kevin coming through the gates of the training grounds where they split up with Kevin heading off to another direction. John notices me sitting at the table and heads in my direction. As he reaches me I get up and say, "Hi, how was training?" and he replies to it by saying in a quiet voice that he had told me to never talk to him at school. Feeling a bit despondent with his reaction I start to say, "I just wanted to…." and he interrupts, "Never! I'm sorry, but we've got to be more careful. Weekends are best. We can meet next Saturday." I brighten at the thought of that and tell him, "Great!" but then suddenly remember that I have to go that damn wedding then and I say, "Oh shit! I've got to go to a bloody wedding on Saturday." John starts walking off but turns around and smiles at me saying that I should plan not to go before he continues on into the school building.

On Friday that week, I take the photos of the athletic team shoot into the weekly meeting of the school magazine team, arriving in my usual late fashion. As I get there I notice Wendy and Jessica talking quietly together about something, probably Mark I think. I'm about to walk into the room when Jessica intercepts me and says hi, I say hi back and the she asks if I'm doing anything tonight. I go, "Um…" trying to think of an excuse when she says, "I thought we might go bowling or something." I then explain to her that I'm busy tonight and that maybe some other time perhaps. I then walk past her and go up to where Mr Hutton and Mark are discussing something. As I get there, Mr Hutton makes cognizance of my arrival and says, "Ah, Steven. Are you ever on time for anything for anything?" I apologize and tell I have the photos. Mr Hutton then tells me that's its fine and that he and Mark were discussing where to put my article. Perplexed, I utter, "My article?" and Mr Hutton answers, "Millenium Generation. The newspaper article." I notice that Mr Hutton is holding a letter from the local paper as Mark pronounces that it won the competition. Still feeling a bit confused I tell them that I hadn't heard and Mr Hutton says, "Yeah, they want to present the cheque on Prize Day." Mr Hutton, then gives me the letter and I read it, wondering how who could have sent that article in, after all I threw it out and deleted the file from my computer. The meeting continues and it is decided that the article I had written is to be placed in front of all the other written articles or stories along with a photo of me, how embarrassing, I think.

When I get home after school, I show mum and dad the letter and ask them if they knew who sent the article in. Dad says that he had rescued it from my bin, read it and sent it in on my behalf. He then starts to read the letter out loud to mum and then asks if I'm proud of winning the competition as he and mum certainly are. Mum then remarks that the five hundred quid will certainly come in handy won't it. I then say to them that I don't understand and my father asks me what. I tell him that I don't understand how he could have sent the article in without telling me. Dad then says that he couldn't understand why I didn't send it in and asks if it was too much effort for me to lick the stamp. I tell them that I didn't send it in as I thought it was a piece of rubbish. Dad then goes on to say something about the stuff I wrote about Basingstoke having nothing for someone of my age and how he thinks I really captured how a young person sees life. Getting angry I say, "Life?…. What do you know about my Life!" and I then get up, grab my jacket and storm off to look for Linda.

As I walk over to Linda's place I find her brother, doing some mechanical stuff under the corvette and ask him if Linda is home. He replies that she went for a driving lesson at one and isn't back yet. He then goes on saying can't it wait till tomorrow and I tell him that I have to speak to her now and that it is important. He then tries to loosen something under the car and the tool slips, hitting his fingers and he exclaims in pain and tells me that her driving is important too as she has a driving test in two weeks. I ask him if he thinks she will pass and he responds that he bloody hopes not, but still if she is going to drive the corvette, the more practice she has the better. I exclaim, "But a five hour lesson?" to which he has no reply, so I just ask him to tell her that I was looking for her when she gets back. I then head back home and go up to my room, in an effort to avoid my parents for the rest of the evening.

The next day, we go to the wedding, my efforts in trying to feign sickness in order not to go prove fruitless. Linda is with us as I've invited her along as my guest and to fool my relatives into thinking she's my girlfriend, although I wish it could be John with me instead. The wedding ceremony itself is the usual boring thing, with the reception being held at my Aunt and Uncle's place. When we arrive there, Linda and I take ourselves off to a quiet part of the yard and Linda starts telling me about her five hour driving lesson yesterday. Just as she is getting to the interesting bits, she announces that she is getting hungry and could I go and get her something from the buffet table. At the buffet table I grab a glass of wine, a plate and grab a handful of something from one of the platters there. I head back towards Linda, in a bit of a bad mood as I would much rather be back at home doing more interesting things with John, when I'm interrupted by my Aunt and Uncle saying hello to me and how they haven't seen me since the christening of my cousin Tracy. My mood gets worse as I tell them it probably has been that long and that is hasn't been long enough and walk on to their surprise. I get back to Linda, hand her the plate and sit down, keeping the wine for myself. Linda eats one of the things on her plate when she says, "So where was I?" I tell her, "Shagging Bob" and she continues, "It was more than that. We… made love. God, it was better that I thought it could be. So gentle and kind…" She is interrupted by my cousin Richard and his bride walking up to us and he says, "Steve, my man. How's things?" to which I respond, "Fine." Richard then asks, "Aren't you going to introduce us then?" and in a huff I say no and walk off, taking my wineglass with me. Richard and his bride look confused as Linda gets up and follows.

Linda catches up with me where I am pacing near the side entrance to the yard and questions me, "Steve, what's gotten into you?" I tell her, "I'm sick of everyone assuming you're my girlfriend." She then says, "Its why you bloody invited me." and I respond, "Well, things are different now." Linda gets a worried look on her face and remarks, "Why? Steve, you're getting so fucked up by all of this. Are you sure you just shouldn't tell your parents the truth?" I mutter in return, "Yeah, why don't we get the best man to announce it?", and in a more desperate voice tell her, "Linds, I've got to get out of here." Linda suggests then that we go for a walk and I tell her no that I mean out away from here, that I really want to go back to Basingstoke. Surprised, she tells me, "Sweetheart, no one ever wants to go back to Basingstoke." In a quiet voice I tell her that I do and that she's got to help me. She asks why and after a moments hesitation I say, "Look, I'll tell you if you agree to help me." I hesitate for a few moments more before smiling and resuming, "John Dixon and me, we're lovers." Linda then retorts, "In your dreams." I get all animated and continue, "It's true! That's who I was with all last weekend! We've done it! Loads! And he loved it! He loved me!" Linda gets a baffled look on her face as she says, "Steve, slow down. John Dixon?" I calm down a bit before going on, "Is my lover!" then starting to feel a bit disconsolate, mutter, "If he was my girlfriend, he could be here with me. I've got to see him today. I don't know when he'll be free again." Linda then suggests that we just go and I tell that dad would freak, he would say I belong here even though I don't fucking belong here. She then suggests to me that I'm cracking up and I tell her not to be so melodramatic and as I do an idea comes to me. "Faint." I ask her. "What?" Linda exclaims and I tell her to just do it. "Don't be melodramatic just faint?" she asks disbelievingly. I plead with her to do it, because then dad will let me take her home I explain. Linda gets exasperated with me and starts saying, "Steven Carter I really hate…" and I interrupt her by saying, "Hate me, loathe me, detest me. Just faint!" Linda then scans the area briefly and then dramatically faints. I wait for a second before calling out, "Oh my god! She's fainted. Linda." I then kneel down beside saying, "Linds." as mum and dad come over and the crowd stops to look. Mum says "Linda," and holds Linda up as she pretends to revive and I say, "She's coming around." Linda then says, "Where am I?" and she gives me a look which says that I owe her big time and she intends to collect. I then ask mum and dad if I can take her home on the train and they agree that it would be for the best.

Linda and I then go and say goodbye to Richard and his bride and go with dad who takes us to the railway station. When we get to the platform, we buy our tickets and I go to the phone booth there and call John. I tell him that I'm on my way home on the train and ask if he is free to meet up. He replies that he is and that he will meet me at the station when we get there. I give him the time we should be arriving and hang up. The train soon arrives and on the trip back, Linda demands that I tell her how John and I met up. I tell her about the first time at the park and then the weekend after the ball, leaving out certain things. After all there are things that one does with one's lover that should remain private. That occupies us until the train pulls into Basingstoke railway station and we get out. John is on the platform and comes over when he sees us. He says hi to us and we say hi back. Then Linda makes some smart ass comment at which John freaks out, as he realizes that I must have told Linda about he and I. He says to me, "How could you?" and then runs off, heading towards his place. I call out, "Johnny!" but he ignores me. I start to feel depressed and Linda apologizes profusely, saying that she'll try to make it up to me by taking me out for lunch tomorrow. In my sad, depressed state I agree and we go home. The next day, I get up and mum and dad ask if Linda and I got home ok. I respond that we did and that we are going out for lunch later. I help dad out a bit with some of his camera gear, until its time to go. When I head off to the market place to meet Linda, I don't realize that Linda had gone there much earlier and had met up with John and told him to pull himself together, and that the things that I had told her, would stay with her. She also told him that I was meeting up with her soon and that he should stay and apologize. He agrees, but tells her that he has some errands to run first and that he would catch up with us in a bit. I get to the market place and park my bike when I see Linda. We go to the café where we're going to have lunch and as we're ordering, to my surprise, John comes over and slips me a note before taking off. I read the note and it says that he will meet me at the park around four this afternoon. I cheer up considerably and have a good time with Linda until we finish and go home.

I get to the park at about ten to four and spend the time waiting for John to arrive, just pacing around or kicking my heels. Around ten minutes later John runs up and we say hi to each other. He then says, "Guess your parents are in?" and I tell him they are. "Pity." he then says and we are silent for a moment and then I think of a place we can go to, to have some fun. I then grin as I say, "There is one place we can go." John grins back and we run off laughing with me in the lead. We joke and laugh on the way to the woods and when we get to the wall outside them, John gives me a boost up before clambering over himself. When we are both over the wall we find a secluded spot and make love again, the danger of doing outdoors adding a certain exciting spice to it. Afterwards, we put most of our clothes back on and John sits down with his back against a tree and I lean on one of his shoulders. He lights up a cigarette and we sit in silence for a while, just enjoying each others company. Just after he lights up his second cigarette, I remark that we won't have to go through all this shit after he leaves school, how it would be great and that I could come visit him in Oxford. John then asks that I could do what? I repeat that I could come see him in Oxford. He says, "Christ! What are you thinking about Oxford for? That's months away." I reply, "Guess so. You looking forward to it?" He then answers that maybe he is, that's its funny that he doesn't even remember making the decision to go there and how it was something marked out for him by fate. He then amends that he supposes it was more likely his father making the decision. So then I ask if its because he went there. John agrees and remarks on his dad being an Oxford blue in everything from rugby to cricket, even tiddlywinks and how he can't blame his parents for the best and how he is sure he'll be the same. I then ask if he is hoping to have kids then. John says that he does then amends it to that he supposes so and then jokes, "Sod it! Just listen to us! All that's centuries away." I then ask him if he does want me to come and see him in Oxford and he hesitates for a moment before saying that of course he does. I then joke, "Its just that I've heard their rowing team have their best cox for years!" we both laugh and then we suddenly both hear the crackling of brush in the distance. John says in a quiet voice, "Quiet! I think I saw someone." I swear, then tell him we should split up and John runs off in one direction and I run off in the other while buttoning up my shirt. I run through the woods, trying to take to the thickest parts to elude anyone following, collecting a few cuts and scrapes along the way when suddenly I run smack, bang into a copper who grabs me. The policeman calls out to his partner that he has caught someone and then turns to me and asks for my name and what am I doing in the woods at this time of night. I give my name and tell him that I'm just here on a dare and that I'm sorry. The policeman's partner arrives and then they escort me out of the woods and take me home.

The police and I get home, where one of them escorts me to the front door and knocks. Mum answers the door and is shocked when she sees me standing there with a policeman. The copper explains to mum that they picked me up in the woods and luckily that nothing had happened to me. Mum invites the policeman in and we all go into the living room. Dad gives a start when he sees the policeman and mum tells him what she knows. I stand at one end of the room starting to cry a bit, near dad, while mum remains standing and the copper gives me a lecture about how dangerous the woods are at night. He goes on to say that I was lucky this time, I happened to run into them, but that it could have been a lot worse. He then asks if I understand what he is saying and hoping that I do. Mum interrupts, saying that she thinks I got the point of the lecture and thanks him for bringing me home. She then shows the policeman to the door and I go and stand at the other end of the room still crying a bit. Mum comes back into the room and stands next to me and dad asks what I was doing in the woods. I tell him it was just a lark and that I'm sorry. Dad then berates me by saying that I'm sorry am I, didn't I hear what the policeman just said and how could I have been such a stupid sod. Mum interrupts dad by saying his name, but he continues, this time to her, telling her to use her imagination, that I could have been molested by some 'dirty old queer' and how the thought of it makes him sick. He then turns back to me and asks me what on gods earth possessed me that I would go into the woods at night. Through a sob I tell that where else are we supposed to go and I then storm off to my room. As I'm heading upstairs I hear dad ask mum if she doesn't think its drugs I'm involved in. I get to my room and slam the door so I don't hear what else they are talking about.

When I reach my bed I throw myself on it, crying and wondering if Johnny got away safely. Later I found out that he did and that he spent most of night worrying about me. As my crying abates, I look at the photos I took of John, thinking how cruel society, the law and the world is that people like John and I can't be open about our love and about how hurtful our parents assumptions about us being straight are. I'm still thinking those thoughts when the photos slip from my hand to the floor as I fall asleep. A few hours later mum comes up and tucks me in. She sits on the bed next to me and suddenly notices the photos of John on the floor, she looks at a couple of them and then all of a sudden looks at me and realizes that I'm probably gay. She then makes sure I'm tucked in comfortably, gives me a kiss on the cheek and leaves the room. As she closes the door, the sound of it wakes me up and I just lay there until I hear that she has gone downstairs. Downstairs, mum sits down and opens a magazine as dad asks her how I am. She says I'm asleep and after a pause tells him that she doesn't think its drugs. Dad then sits down and says that whoever my friends are, he doesn't think they are any good for me. As I'm laying in bed I get an idea for a way to tell part of the world about the way I feel and how unfair I think it all is. I get up, switch on my computer, start up my word processor program and type in the following:

Get Real
Anonymous

I am a pupil at this school, I am 16 and I am gay.

Someone once wrote that one's real life is so often the life that one does not lead. I wish I could lead my real life. I am writing this article because I'm angry and because I want to impress on all of you parents that your assumption that your children are heterosexual may be destroying their lives.

I have known that I am gay for years now. I have had to keep this a secret and cannot talk to any friends or family about it. This secrecy has led me into difficult and even dangerous situations. I guess growing up is hard enough for anyone, but when there is no one to confide in or give support to you, it leads to despair and misery.

I'm nothing special, but I'm not a bad or evil person either. I don't understand why everyone is so scared by this issue. Maybe it's not fear. Maybe people assume that homosexuality will never touch their lives. Well, I've done a lot of reading on this and even if one takes the most conservative estimate, at a school this size there are statistically likely to be twenty to thirty boys and girls who are gay. Think about it. Could your child or best mate be one of them, suffering unnecessary torment because you assume they are straight. Feeling lonely or guilty or scared, with no one to talk to about what is on their mind. Please think about it ...

Once I finish it, I save it to a floppy disk and place it in my schoolbag and hatch a plan to sneak it into the school magazine tomorrow. That done, I change and get back into bed and fall asleep.