A Love Lost Forever.
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CHAPTER 3: A love lost forever.
Its 10am the next morning as Raymond Dixon pulls up outside the Carter's house. He gets out of his car and knocks on their door. A short while later Sarah Carter opens it.
"Hello Mr Dixon. What can I do for you?" She asks.
"Is your son, Steven in? I would like to have a word with him if that's possible."
"What about? Steve's not in any sort of trouble with John, is he?" asks Sarah with a concerned voice.
"Not at all Mrs Carter, it seems that John was in love with Steven and when he thought that Steven never wanted to see him again yesterday and that he didn't want to disappoint his mother and I by telling us he was gay, he killed himself." Raymond says, with tears streaming down his face.
"Oh I'm so sorry, come right in."
Graham Carter comes over and Sarah repeats the details of it to him.
"I'm so very sorry, come in and wait in the living room Mr Dixon, I'll just go and get Steve."
"Call me Raymond, please."
"Thankyou. Call me Graham."
Graham Carter goes up the stairs and stops outside Steve's door. "Steve could you please come downstairs, Mr Dixon is here and would like to have with word with you about his son John."
Steve is sitting at his computer, trying to finish that long overdue essay. When he hears that Mr Dixon is downstairs, he pales. "Oh, no, I'm in for it now, what has Johnny told his parents about me?" he thinks.
"I'll be right down dad."
Steve opens the door to his room to find his father still standing there with a concerned look on his face. "Steve, it appears that John had some problems last night and Mr Dixon would like to talk to you about it."
Steve thinks, "Something has happened to Johnny, oh no!" and he races downstairs to find Mr Dixon accepting a cup of coffee from his mother.
"Hello Mr Dixon." Steve manages to stammer out.
"Hello Steve." Raymond says sadly.
Steve sits down and his mother hands him a cup of tea.
"Well young Steven, you managed to make a big impression on John, so much so, that when he thought he had lost you forever, instead of talking to his mother and I about it and coming out to us, he killed himself instead."
When Steve hears those last four words, he pales again and tears start to fall.
His mother and I found him last night after he had taken an overdose. We got an ambulance but he died in the hospital. Also when I found him last night I found 2 letters that he wrote, one was addressed to his mother and I and the other was addressed to you."
Raymond Dixon gets the other envelope out of his pocket and hands it to Steve.
Steve takes the envelope in trembling hands, opens it and starts reading.
My dearest Steve,
By the time you read this I will hopefully be in a place where I can never hurt you again. One day you may forgive me for what I did to you in the locker room before the awards ceremony, but I will never forgive myself for hurting you like that. I love you Steve Carter, so much so that I can't go on without you and I don't have your courage to face the world and tell everyone that I'm gay. You don't know how much I regret that I couldn't do that when you gave me a second chance to be honest with myself and you on that bench in the sports field. When you got up and said 'Be Happy' to me, I knew I could never be happy without you, so I have thought that if I go away forever, you will at least have a chance to 'Be Happy' yourself. The past few months that I had spent with you were the happiest in my life, and I hope that in some future time you will look back on them fondly too. I love you Steve, with all of my heart.
Please be happy with all of my love,
Johnny
When Steve finishes reading John's letter he is crying and Sarah Carter comes over to where her son is sitting and hugs him. After a couple of minutes, Steve sits up and reaches for a tissue to wipe his eyes.
"Mr Dixon, do you know what John wrote in this letter?" he asks.
"No I don't Steven, but in the letter he wrote to his mother and I, he told us that he was gay and that the happiest time in life was when he was with you." Raymond finishes, more tears flowing down his face.
Steve hands Raymond the letter that John wrote to him. Raymond reads it and hands it back. "Thankyou, Steven, I can see after reading this, and meeting you again, why you were so special to my son."
"Thanks Mr Dixon, will you please give my condolences to Mrs Dixon."
"Ours too." Graham adds.
"Thankyou, I will. The funeral will be on Wednesday, will you come? And Steve would you say something at the memorial service? I think John would have liked you to."
"I will Mr Dixon, it's the least I can do."
"Thankyou again Steve, now if you don't mind I have to get back to Veronica."
Raymond gets up to go and Graham shows him out. Sarah turns to her son, "Are you ok Steve?"
"Not really, mum. But I have to go and see Linda, I don't think I can go out to lunch with her today."
"I understand dear. Just remember your father and I are here for you."
"Thanks mum, I really appreciate that."
Steve gets up and heads for the front door as Graham walks back in. "Steve……" he says.
"Leave him for now Graham, I've already had a little chat with him. He'll talk to us again when he's ready to."
"Ok dear, its just that he's had a big shock and I thought……….."
"I know dear, but just let him be for now."
Steve steps out of place and sees Linda polishing her car.
Linda looks up, "Hello tart, ready for our big lunch date?" she then sees his distraught look, "What's up Steve, what's wrong?"
Steve walks over to her, "Its Johnny, Linds…….." and he starts sobbing.
"What has he done to you now? I thought I recognised Mr Dixon at your place earlier. If he has done anything to hurt you, I'll, I'll run over his toes."
"Oh Linds, Johnny killed himself last night." and starts sobbing yet again.
"HE WHAT!!!" she exclaims and Steve shows her the letter John wrote to him.
"Oh Steve, I'm so sorry. Come here and have a good cry on my shoulder." and she hugs Steve to her and lets him cry himself out.
"Thanks Linda, you're a real mate." Steve manages to say after a bit.
"No worries Stevie darling. Now I'm taking you home and no arguments."
Linda helps Steve home and as they get in the front door, calls out, "Mr and Mrs Carter, I've brought Steve back and am taking him to his room."
She goes with Steve up to his room and makes sure he lays on his bed, "Just lay there for a while, I'll come back later and try to cheer you up."
"Thanks Linds."
Linda goes downstairs and finds Graham and Sarah in their living room.
"Is he ok?" Sarah asks with concern on her face.
"He is a bit upset, which is to be expected, I guess. He had a good cry on my shoulder outside and I think he just needs a little time to himself right now. I told him I would be back later to try and cheer him up."
"Thanks Linda, we'll leave the door on the latch so you can just come straight in." Graham replies.
"Thanks Mr Carter, Mrs Carter, see you later."
Graham and Sarah look at each other with concern on their faces and then go about their usual Saturday routines, knowing that Steve will talk to them when he is ready to.
Upstairs in his room, Steve is curled up on his bed crying and saying to himself, over and over, "Why Johnny, why?" after a while he falls into an exhausted dreamless sleep.
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