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CHAPTER 6: The Park Part 2

Steve thought of saying two things simultaneously, one, "I think I told you before, be happy. Johnny, you can't believe I can just forget about last year can you? I'm sorry but I don't think I want to go through this again." And two, "Johnny, I feel the same way. I never have stopped loving you. I think we can try and make a go of it." But neither is what he really wanted to say, only what he thought of saying. He finally did get out, "Why, Johnny, why now? Why are you doing this to me?"

"Steve, I ... I'm trying ..."

Steve turned walked a few paces, then stopped and turned to face John again, "Everyone told me not to have anything to do with you. But ... but I had to come. I couldn't not see you."

John walked to him closing the small gap. "I know you probably don't believe me, but I still love you, Steve. I .."

But Steve cut him off, "Don't you see Johnny, I do believe you. And I believe you loved me last year, but that didn't stop you from kicking me while I was on the floor where you threw me." Steve watched John flinch at the words, acting as if each word was a physical blow.

John was reliving last year, seeing himself doing what Steve was so vividly reminding him of. If he had been Steven, he would be telling him to fuck himself. His head started to droop slowly. He turned away from Steve. This whole idea had been a foolish attempt. He proved himself a bigger prat than when Danny watched him jump into the sea. He spoke softly, "I understand."

The resignation in his quiet statement was palatable to Steve. He could taste the pain, it stuck in his throat. He fought the feeling of pity that was welling up inside of him. A relationship could not start with pity as a basis. Then it suddenly flashed in front of his eyes. 'A relationship', that is what he was thinking about. "Johnny, wait. Slow down."

John looked at Steve and there seemed to be a change in his demeanor. Steve began, "We just can't pick up from where we were. We're not the same people we were a year ago. But that doesn't mean we have to throw away the past either." He paused and sighed. Staring into John's eyes, he said, "It seems that you're not the same Johnny, I knew."

"I'm not." Then with a shy grin he added, "I've even started drinking coffee." Then the grin faded. "Steve, you'll see. I'll prove I ... "

Steve heard the words die on his lips as they both realized the words were spoken before and they brought back memories of promises broken. "Johnny don't." Steve then smiled tentatively and said, "Why don't we start slowly? Last time we might have gone too bloody fast."

The words, while not everything he would have liked to hear, were more than he had expected. Deep down John had thought Steve would tell him to toss off. Then Steve reached and touched his cheek, saying, "The thing isn't that I don't love you, because I still do - don't know bloody well why, you wanker. It's just that I won't be your hidden boyfriend - your hidden lover."

John's hand went up to where Steve's was still held against his cheek . He took hold of it with particular gentleness. "Steve, I'm tired of hiding. When I came to see you, to ask you if we had a chance, I knew beforehand that it'd have to be in the full light of day as they say."

Steve chuckled, "Well, there are a few things, that are best done in private."

With a smile on his face, John came back with, "Who knows, maybe Kevin won't believe it 'til he sees it."

"Just imagine, Kevin Grainger, the gay sex voyeur."

They both laughed. Then smiling, Steve said, "What say we get out of here? ... I've got a date with some randy bloke, who's going to try and convince me to go to Oxford next term."

John returned his smile, "What do you think his chances are?"

With a devilish grin, Steve asked, "With me or with me going to Oxford?"

"Either." John said with a smile that belied his nervousness.

Steve bent his head toward John and in a conspiratorial fashion, whispered, "I'd say his chances are pretty good with both." He then gave John a quick kiss on the cheek. John tried to pull him into a warm embrace, but Steve jumped away saying, "Johnny, I'm not that easy. You're going to have to wine and dine me first if you expect a shag."

John laughed, "In that case, let's get the bloody hell out of here." With that the two of them headed toward John's car with a feeling that they were starting a new journey together.

The End