Be Happy?
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CHAPTER 3: Reunion
Despite the distance, John decided to walk to Steven’s as it would give him a chance to clear his head. He avoided the main streets as he knew that there would be plenty of people out doing late-night Christmas shopping, and he really didn’t want to run into anyone he knew. A bitterly cold and thick fog had descended on Basingstoke, which made the task of remaining unseen somewhat easier, but it also made John feel quite lonely again. He ducked his head, pulled up his coat collar and hurried along the deserted streets.
When he reached the house, John was disabled by his nerves. Despite the raw night temperature, he stood on the pavement for some time, summoning up the courage to go to the door. A sudden and painful blast of wind spurred him into action, and before he knew it he had pressed the Carter’s doorbell. After what seemed like an eternity, the door was opened, and when John looked up his heart raced. Standing in front of him was the one person he had longed to see for months, and the one person he knew could help him out of the rut he was stuck in.
“Er, hi Steve” said John, weakly smiling. When Steven didn’t respond, instead choosing to stand and glare, John continued. “I, er, needed to see you.”
“Johnny…” Steven began, but he was interrupted by his father calling from somewhere in the house.
“Steven, who is it?”
“Oh, nobody” Steven shouted back. He turned towards John and spoke quietly. “Nobody at all.”
John winced when he felt the sting in that last remark. “Steve, I need to talk to you.”
“How long’s it been Johnny? Five months?” Steven’s voice was full of pain and anger, and his face had an expression to match.
“Steve, please.” John knew he sounded desperate, but there was little he could do about it. After all, he was actually desperate.
Steven looked at him suspiciously, and then seemed to relax. “Oh, alright. But not here.”
“Where?”
“Hang on. I’ll just get my coat.” Steven closed the door, leaving John standing in the drive, a little confused but hopeful. After a minute or so, the door opened again and Steven came out. “Right, you’ve got fifteen minutes. Then I’ve gotta be back for dinner.”
The timed approach was not what John had been hoping for, but he was just glad to be in Steven’s company again.
“Steve, I just needed to tell you about what life’s been like for me since, well, you know.”
“And what has it been like?”
“Hell. Absolute hell. I had a shit summer, and I haven’t made any friends at Oxford.”
“I don’t believe that” scoffed Steven. “John Dixon making no friends?”
“Steve, it’s true” said John, his voice suddenly shaky. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I don’t wanna get close to anyone now. I haven’t spoken to anyone here since I left, and I spend all my time alone up there. I’m so fucking miserable, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
“Why are you telling me?”
“You’re the only person who knows me.” The words hung in the air between them for a while. “Steve, I still love you.”
Steven stopped abruptly, and looked at John angrily. “Johnny, don’t. Don’t make me go back home now.”
“I’m sorry” said John to his feet.
“You can’t just turn up here and act like nothing’s happened.”
“Steve, I’m not. I just need to be with you.”
“Well I don’t need to be with you.”
John felt himself stagger a little, and he realised that Steven had noticed it too. Tears welled up in John’s eyes, and he turned away in an effort to hide them. He hadn’t prepared himself for rejection, even though he knew it was the most likely outcome.
“Johnny, I’m sorry. But I can’t go through all that again.”
“No, Steve, I understand.” John sniffled and tried to get his composure back. “Steve, have you met anyone else?”
“In Basingstoke? I’d be lucky.”
“What, no-one at all?” Despite having just been rejected, John’s optimism was returning.
“Nope. There’s nowhere for people my age to meet anyone, and I can’t get into pubs or clubs.”
“What about the park?”
Steven smiled, sending a little shiver down John’s spine. “Reminds me of you. Haven’t been back once.”
John couldn’t help but smile as he remembered their first awkward meeting outside the toilets. It was a time he often thought about, and it always warmed him up inside.
“Johnny, have you met anyone else?” To John’s surprise, Steven actually sounded a little jealous.
“Steve, I told you. I haven’t met anyone at all.” John sighed. “I’m John ‘Fucking Nobody’ Dixon up there.”
“Why don’t you leave?”
“I’m thinking of it. But I can’t tell my parents that. Not yet anyway. They’ve had enough for one night.”
“What do you mean?” asked Steven.
“Steve, I told them about my life in Oxford and I, er, told them about us.”
“You did what?”
“I told them I’m gay. Told them I loved you. I told them that you once loved me.”
Steven looked dumbfounded. “How did they take it?”
“Er, I don’t know. Mum was OK. She actually said she sort of knew, after Prize Day. Dad, er, didn’t really speak.” John started playing with something in his hand. “Steve, I’m really worried. I don’t know if Dad’s gonna take it at all.”
John must have looked more worried than he thought, because Steven reached up and comfortingly hugged him. The feel of Steve’s touch sent electricity through John’s body, but he restrained himself from doing anything more than patting Steven’s back.
“Johnny, I have to get back.” Steve seemed to be deciding on something, but eventually he spoke again. “Look, I’ll call you tomorrow. We can talk some more. OK?”
John just smiled and nodded, dreamily thinking of the next day. Steve turned and quickly walked off into the fog, leaving John to sort out the rest of his evening. There seemed to be little choice but to go and see Kevin, and so he set off away from Steven’s house, ready to reveal all to someone once again.
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