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CHAPTER 6: Like A Prayer

Raymond Dixon arrives home way past six this evening, for he had a long day and a long lunch hour. He sees John sitting in the library. Veronica Dixon is out to a charity board meeting.

“Hi, son! How are you?”

“Great, thank you.”

“What will we order for dinner? Veronica’s out and I thought we could treat ourselves.”

“Good idea, that would be good!”

The meal is delivered and they both sit down in front of the TV to watch a match of rugby. Raymond Dixon wants to talk about his lunch with Steven. He does not want to hide it, for he thinks it helped him understand more about his son and his new “status”.

“John, did you get any news from Steven?”

“No. Well, I went out with Jess; she was on the magazine staff.” Raymond just nods his head. “ Anyway, she’s a friend of Steven. I had to talk to her. And I asked about Steven.”

He then relates his conversation with Jessica and tells how happy he is that Steven still cares about him.

“Good for you,” Raymond Dixon answers, not knowing how to handle it yet. “I have news of Steven, too, John.”

John’s jaw drops to the floor. How could his father get news of Steven?

“How come?” John starts to feel insecure. This is all new for him and he is in the “slow speed” mode navigating through this.

“I ran into him at the mall today. I went to the photo shop to get prints of the photos he took of you. And I invited him to lunch with me to get to know him better…”

“How could you?” John’s voice was tainted with outrage. “I don’t even speak to him since, you know, and you end up having lunch without telling me!”

“It was not planned. I wanted to congratulate him for his speech on, you know. There are some things I don’t understand, John, and I want to understand them. But don’t worry, I didn’t interfere. That’s up to you.”

“Oh? Gee thanks, really,” John says with a bit of sarcasm. He doesn’t know what to make of all that.

“He really does care about you, you know…”

“And you’re not playing matchmaker, are you?”

“…no! I’ll tell you exactly what I asked him, my very last question. I asked him what, in his opinion, could I do to help you, to make you feel comfortable here, with us, with you.”

“And what was the answer?” John is still upset, but an urge to have news of Steven replaces the initial burst of anger.


********************


“Hi. Steven?” The voice asks on the phone.

“Yes, speaking. Who am I talking to?”

“It’s Craig, Craig Meredith. I’m in your class.”

“Oh! What can I do for you?” Steven knows who it is, but he has never spoken to this lad before.

“It’s about your speech on Prize Day. Look, I’m gay, too, but I don’t know what to do about it.”

“Bloody speech!” Steven is thinking. “I don’t want to be the helpline of Basingstoke, now. I’m a celebrity now, though. Let’s see what he wants. Why not listen to him? I would have appreciated it at the time.”

“What to do about what?” Steven asks.

“I’m feeling like this, frightened to speak out…like you said. My parents don’t know it. I’m feeling kind of sad about it, but don’t know if it’s worth telling it.”

“I must admit, I took dramatic means to get rid of my frustrations. But how should I know what you should do about it?”

“Steven, maybe you can tell me how those around you reacted or how different you feel now or, if you have a boyfriend, is it easier now? I just want some advice, some feedback, from a person who did it. And you’re the only one I know.”

It is more than half an hour that Steven has been on the phone. Sarah Carter needs the phone now. She knocks on his door and whispers something to him, so he can understand it’s urgent.

“Sorry, Craig, I have to hang up now. My mum needs the phone. Look, if there is anything else, call me back.”

Steven is glad to have found somebody else like him. Craig might have jumped early in the private domain of his life, or, maybe, is it only the “paranoia mode” that is still on? He is also glad to be able to help others; it is a side effect of his “infamous speech”.


********************


“He said: ‘Be by his side’. He also said you deserve to be happy.”

John’s eyes turned liquid at hearing these words, Steven’s words. He will be happy. Suddenly, John leaps to his feet and runs out of the house. He can’t stand this feeling, the guilt related to the events on Prize Day. Though he knows his father is by his side, he can’t accept the fact that his father talked to Steven before him.

“John, come here; it’s alright. Please don’t run…”

John can’t hear his father. He’ll run and think about all those events. Why can’t he be at ease for good with his “new” self?

-“It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It’s the one who won’t be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live”-

He accepts, mostly, that he’s gay, that he loves (really) Steven. His parents know and so do Kevin and Jessica. Apparently, years of hiding and self-loathing don’t disappear over a few days of honesty and truth. There still can be some hurt and icebergs ahead. He needs to talk to somebody. He’d rather keep it all to himself, but is it worth talking to a real person instead of a diary or an imaginary more-than-perfect copy of himself? But whom can he call?

John is running, running at a point where there are no streets left that he hasn’t stretch his legs on in Basingstoke. He suddenly stops, looks across the street, and sits on the sidewalk. It is the Carter’s house, Steven’s house.

-“Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming
around
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of
My tears
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the
Years have gone by
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look
In your eyes
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and then I fall apart.”-

“If only I could talk to him. Did he receive my letter? Why doesn’t he ring to let me know? I need you right now, I really need you. Now the table has turned. It’s me who doesn’t have anybody to support me. I know, now, how it hurts; it really hurts.