Get Real - Back at You
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CHAPTER 1: Get Real - Back at You
Dear Steve,
I hope you will read this and not throw it away. There is nothing I can do nor say to excuse my behavior today at school. This is not an apology as that is not the purpose. Today I acted without thinking, partly because that was how I grew up. I grew up reacting to the world around me like it was all some bloody football game. Kick, pass, block - it becomes instinct, something you don't think about because if you take time to think some bloke from the other team will score against you.
But life is not a football game. And it's Life that I will be facing after Basingstoke. A Life that is confusing and requires thinking and thoughtful planning. A couple weeks ago I told you I was confused. I asked you for help. With the warmest intentions, with a loving heart, you have left me more confused and now, after today, even more alone. You helped me realize things about myself that I kept hidden from the light of day.
I have managed to shatter the illusions that have sheltered me from the rest of the world. My only problem as I see it, is that those illusions were so entwined with who I was, or at least who I thought I was, that there was only one thing that was keeping me together when they disappeared. Then today in a panic, I instinctively pushed, shoved and kicked. The one thing keeping me together I did my damnedest to destroy.
Steven, it's just that it seems that every time, I gave an inch, you asked for another. Maybe someday, I'll be able to stand up in front an auditorium and say "I'm gay." But that time is not now. Our lives are so very different. Things you have accepted about yourself since you were eleven are things I was fighting, desperately fighting, only three months ago
Don't worry about me. You taught me quite a few things. Things about myself. Things about love, and about honesty. Around these I'll build the real me. It won't be overnight, nor in a fortnight. I'll eventually handle it. Not everything about sports is dismissible. There are valuable concepts to learn, if you take the time to think about them. Striving in the face of adversity. Losing a game doesn't make you a loser, only accepting defeat as your lot in life does that. There is always the next game, the next match, the next race.
Steve, this will be hard to believe but I do love you, so much so, my very being aches. But this might be for the best for now. I've got to learn how to be me, on my own terms, at my own pace. Who knows what the future may bring? For now though, know that you will always be my first love.
Johnny
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