Realisation
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CHAPTER 1: Hours
[THIS STORY WAS EVENTUALLY REPLACED BY "A NICER ENDING", BUT AS THE FAN FICTION HAS BEEN A BIT INACTIVE LATELY, I THOUGHT I WOULD PUT IT BACK. SORRY TO ANYONE WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE GETTING SOMETHING NEW - I'M WORKING ON IT! - Jon]
John watched as Steven walked across the field. A kind of numbness settled on him, and his mind went completely blank. He had no idea how long he sat there gazing across the field, and certainly didn’t notice his dad standing next to him.
Raymond Dixon had been watching his son for a while. He had seen him attempt to touch Steven, he had seen Steven walk away. He knew now. He wondered how anyone could not know, given the way Carter had looked at John during his speech. Christina had been dumped, there were those lies about the weekend at the Dixon house, there was that long run. It all fell into place, and yet Raymond didn’t feel angry, didn’t feel disappointed. He knew he would at some time soon, but right now all he could focus on was his son’s obvious pain.
“Son, are you alright?”
“Jesus!” exclaimed John, having come back to reality with a sharp shock. He looked up at his father’s concerned face, and burst into tears. He hadn’t cried in front of anyone except Steven for years – how could a top athlete and stud ever show such emotions, for Christ’s sakes? However, there was no stopping it now, and all he could do was bury his face in his hands. He sobbed and sobbed until he hurt, and was not even aware that his dad was gently hugging and consoling him.
Once there were no more tears to be shed, John began to pull himself together, and realised that he could no longer hide it. He had possibly lost Steven, his Dad was bound to be full of questions and he could no longer find the strength to lie. Hell, this day was the worst in history – why not just get it all out in the open now?
“Dad, I’m…I’m…”
“Go on son” Raymond encouraged, knowing pretty well what was about to be said.
“Dad, I’m…gay. Steven Carter is…was…” The reality of what he had done to Steve hit him again, and from somewhere John managed to find some more tears.
“Son. I’m your father and I will love you no matter what you are. Your mother will feel the same way. We just want you to be happy, find love…”
“I found love!” shouted John, still sobbing. “I found the one person who meant more to me than anyone, and I was too scared to admit it! Now he’s gone! I let him go! I’ve got nothing now! Nothing!”
“Shhhhhh. You know that’s not true. You’ll always have…”
“IT IS TRUE!!! I only want Steve. Just Steve.” His voice was trailing away. Suddenly he was exhausted. “Dad, take me home. Please.”
Raymond led his son back to the car where Veronica was waiting. Her look of annoyance at having waited for so long quickly changed to concern and confusion the minute she saw her son’s wet, red face. She wanted to speak, but her husband placed a finger on her lips. The Dixon’s travelled home in silence, and despite it being the middle of the afternoon, John went straight to bed when they got back, leaving his parents to have a serious talk.
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Steven’s smile began to fade. He had hardly been able to remove a huge grin since he and Linda had set off in her car. But now he was thinking about John. Everything could have been so good, and yet he had ruined it. No, it wasn’t his fault! John had been too bloody scared to admit to anyone, including himself, what he was. Who he was. He had put his sodding image before Steven. That bastard!
“That bastard!” Steve muttered.
“You’re better off without him, sweetheart” Linda replied. “We need to find you a proper queer.”
“Yeah” Steve replied, with absolutely no enthusiasm.
“Oh, who are you kidding?! Do you want me to turn back? Go back and get your ‘superman’?”
“NO!!! I can’t face him. I just can’t.”
“OK Stevie baby. What did he do that was so bad? NO! Don’t interrupt me. OK, so he is too scared to come out – so were you for five years. OK, so you can’t show emotions for each other in public – well, how different is that for most gay couples? There’s always a group of Kevin Granger-type pricks around who will take offence. Why can’t you give Johnny a break, another chance, a bit of time – whatever?”
Steven did not answer. He just turned to the side of the road, thinking. Then he realised that he had to talk this out with her.
“Linda, he beat me up. In front of Kevin and Dave. His name, his image, is more important to him than me.”
Linda just sat agape. She pulled the car over, and turned to Steve, but couldn’t get the words out. Steven couldn’t face the questions, so just blurted the whole locker room incident out. When he’d finished, Linda’s face was pure anger.
“Steve, I don’t know what is going on in that guy’s mind, so I’m not gonna judge him too harshly. But bugger me, what a bastard. I have changed my mind – there is no way I am turning this car back!”
“Linds. Can we not talk about it anymore. I think I just wanna go home – I need to get Dad out of the way.”
“Sure babe” Linda replied, and off they went.
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