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CHAPTER 1: If I ran away, I'll never have the strength...

John is still on the bench. He can’t stop thinking, crying over the recent and painful events. All kinds of thoughts are racing through his mind.... Can he live the life he wants? What is the life that he wants? Be the person he is? Deal with the world? Can he get Steven back? Does Steven want him back? Does he want to live his real life? Does he want to make things right to regain and keep Steven?

“Bloody speech,” he’s mumbling, “if only he could have kept quiet for a while!”

Then, realising how silly it sounds, “What am I saying? Steven couldn’t have kept quiet; he is so real, sincere, simple. That’s why I loved him so much at first. I could be real, sincere, and simple by his side. If I had had the courage to prove I really love him, despite my mates, my image, my ‘Head Boy’ badge, my fears…”

Jessica was looking for John. She had things to discuss with him. She would not “ruin everything” though, as Steven had worried earlier. She was slowly making her way up to the track when she realised that the poor guy was crying and was literally crushed by something. “Have they broken up?” she wonders.


********************


“John?”

“Jessica!” John answered with terror and anguish running across his face. “She knows...,” he thought, but it didn’t matter anyway, now.

“Look, I wanted to tell you that I know about you and Steven.” John’s face drains of blood, and it looks like he’s going to run away.

“Wait!” she said in a quite authoritarian way. “I also wanted to tell you that it’s okay with me, and that I won’t tell anyone. I do imagine it must be hard for you, too. I’ve seen Steven being pushed around for no other reason than for being what he is. I know it must be hard.”

John is starting to relax now, feeling less tense. He chooses to trust her.

“Jess, you’re kind, sweet and everything, but it doesn’t matter now. Steven’s gone...” He can’t finish his sentence, bursting into tears.

“Gone? Like, it’s over?”

John nods as he tries, but fails, to regain his composure.

“Why? I noticed your argument on the track earlier, but... What happened?”

Still sobbing, John thinks he’d better tell someone before he dies of guilt and self-disgust.

“First, yes, I’m gay.” This is not easy for him to say, but what can he lose now? “But I was such a fool, I didn’t want anyone to know, to suspect the affair... because of my bloody image, my standing, and the perfect boy thing!”

Jessica listens carefully, knowing he’ll need a friend sooner than later.

“We had this argument about the article. You must know about this article? Anyway, there was this rather delicate situation with both our parents about last weekend. He came over, but I lied so my parents wouldn't suspect anything... I let him down.”

“Oh! John, I’m sorry...” Jessica replies in a comforting tone.

“Wait, there is more...better tell you all now, otherwise, I’ll never have the courage to do so later. I lost the race and I was mad; we argued in the locker room. He told me we could get around that. I just shout back it was impossible if it involved anybody else knowing... such a twat sometimes, I’m such a twat!”

Jessica, near tears, imagined the scene and related it with the speech that followed it.

“And, as I was going for the awards, I realised I forgot my bag. When I got back, Kevin and Dave were hanging Steven against the lockers. I told them I’d take care of it myself...I pretended to ‘teach Steven a lesson’... ”

John is crying so hard by now, he can’t speak. Jessica is leaning on him, showing all the affection she can to make him feel better.

“...and, somehow, Steve ended up in my arms. We were about to kiss, for I love him—I still love him, you know—then Kevin, followed by Dave, entered. Suddenly I freaked, I panicked. I pushed Steven...”

He can’t say it, too disgusted at himself, the memory being too painful to deal with. Jessica didn’t want to push her luck, she didn’t care to ask. If anything, she’d know it in time. She comforts him, thinking fast about what to say. What is there left to say? The poor guy is distressed, crushed. She has to try something. How hard, really hard, it must be for John “fucking superman” Dixon. Jessica feels guilty remembering those words.

“John?” She’s facing him with a rather serious expression; there is no faking allowed now.

“What?” John answers, looking dejectedly at the ground.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, why not.” He can’t fight. The ground has just opened beneath his feet. Not because he might lose his image, friends and standing: because Steven is gone, leaving fears and winter behind.

“Despite what happened, do you still love Steven?”

Tears are streaking his face, he’s shivering. She has hit too close to home.

“Yes. A lot. But I fucked up the whole thing. I’d like to have him back, to be able to be with him without being afraid. I love him deeply. I also hurt him deeply.”

He has finally said it to another person: he loves Steven.

Jessica goes on. “What can you do to win him back?”

“Stop being afraid. So easy to say. It might take a while, but I’ll prove to Steven he can love me, and also that it’s worth loving me. I just can’t go on like this. Look at me. Will he want me back? Will I ever have the chance again? I don’t know, but it costs nothing to hope for it.”

“John, I want you to call me if there is anything I can do. Steven trusted me; I don’t know why you couldn’t. You can talk to me; you can count on me. There are other people you know who could accept you, no matter what. I won’t tell anyone, as I said. If you need any help, call me.”

John is quite relieved but still mad at himself, crying the last tears left in his whole body. “My parents are waiting for me...lots of explaining to do, I guess. I’d better go.”

Jessica had to leave too and, as she starts to walk away, she turns back, having heard her name called.

“Jessica!” John is looking at her.

“What?”

“Thank you, really. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Anytime, remember?”

“I will.” He is now heading towards the parking lot.


********************


“Did I really see what I think I’ve seen?” Kevin was puzzled by what he had witnessed in the locker room. “John was not about to kiss Carter! It just can’t be, not John. The idol of half of the school and the object of desire of the other half... not him. But... ”

It was a lot for him to swallow in one day. He knows for sure that Carter is gay. Who doesn’t know it by now? He starts to remember the last few weeks. The weekend of the ball, the fact that John was friends—oh! how he didn’t like that thought—with Carter, the last weekend when he saw them in the pool, the way Carter looked in their direction during his speech...

“...what if I’m right? What if he was about to kiss Carter? What if he is queer?— I mean gay. But he can’t be! You can’t be queer…ummm gay…and win track races, date a model—they broke up, though—be admired by everyone. He’s still my mate. I’d better find him and ask directly. He’ll tell me he’s not gay, and I’ll sleep tight tonight. Oh! Bloody speech!”

But he still didn’t know what to think of the whole situation.


********************


“Hey, John!”

John’s face turned pale. "Oh! Hi Kevin...”

“I just wanted to clear some things up. What the hell possesed you? You’ve been rather cruel to Carter, haven’t you?”

John started to cry again. Not that he really wants to, but he can’t help it, having no more self-defense.

“John,” Kevin continues, “what’s going on? What have I said?”

“Nothing, it’s okay.” Only, God knows, it’s not okay for him. John remembers his promise to him, to Steven: no more lies, no more fear.

“I know I’ve been rude to Carter before, but when I entered and...oh well, when I saw what you did, you got me scared. It’s not funny anymore!”

John, who was now only sobbing, cried again, harder than before.

“Shit, John! Get a grip! What’s happening to you? You’ve been acting strange lately!”

“Kevin…” John couldn’t stand the questions that were not coming. “What do you want to know?”

“Well, since you’re asking, you’ve been acting strange, like the other day in the pool with Carter. You dumped Christina, and earlier today I almost caught you, well I think, ummm I suppose.... I thought you were about to kiss Carter! Am I right? I can’t get it out of my mind.”

As John was about to answer, Kevin cuts him off.

“Don’t get me wrong, but if it is, well… it is. Can’t say I’d be thrilled, but I guess I could get used to it,” Kevin said, trying to be comfortable with the thought.

“Kevin, I guess, I..., I...”

“No more lies,” he’s thinking. John is by now really exhausted, and this other conversation is draining his last effort.

“...I guess, I mean, ummm yes. I’m gay, Kevin.”

“Blimey! God, I thought you were about to kiss him; never guessed I could be right!” Kevin’s eyes were wide open and his jaw almost hit the ground.

“So... I guess you’ll be on my back, too?”

“Not at all. Like I said, you got me scared a little. And anyway, we’re mates... aren’t we?" Not sure anymore as he’s saying it.

“I’d still like that.”

“Like I said, too, can’t say I’m really happy about it, but it’s your business. It’s just, I’ll have to get used to it. Everything’s changed, so give me some time...”

“Changed? What’s changed so much, Kevin?”

“I don’t know, everything...got to go now, so I’ll catch you later, alright? Call me.”

“Okay, bye now.”

John reaches his parents, who are waiting for explanations about him, this Steven Carter, the weekend, the speech. It is a long and silent ride as no-one dares to say anything. John knows, though, that the sooner he clears the subject, the easier it will be to contact Steven again.