Going Through the Motions
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CHAPTER 1: What Are You Going To Do?
Raymond and Judith Dixon left the school auditorium in a stunned silence. Both had looked at the other with pleading eyes, but neither had ventured a word to the other. Walking across the school lawn towards the car, Judith placed her hand into Raymond’s. It was cold and clammy and she instinctively withdrew from his grasp. Raymond stopped walking and turned to his wife and said "What are we going to do?"
John had been sitting on the bench at the sports track after Steven had walked away for what seemed like hours. He had been going over and over in his head the events of the day. "What had happened today that made everything turn to crap?" "Where had he gone wrong?" "Could it be corrected?" "Where was Steven going?" "What would his parents do?" "What would Kevin and Dave think?" Over and over each thought passed through his head, and over and over he could not come up with an answer. "I’ve got to do something to fix all this," he thought, "but what?" "What am I going to do?"
Linda and Steve pulled into the Harrison’s driveway. They got out of the car and walked towards the front entrance of Linda’s house. Next door the Carter’s sedan was still popping from being warm. "Mum and Dad must have just got home," Steven thought. "I really don’t want to go home right now. I need to give Mum time to talk to Dad. I really hope that he can understand why I did what I did. Why I felt I had to declare to the world, or at least an auditorium full of people in Basingstoke, Hampshire that I, Steven Carter, am gay. Mum seems to have accepted it, I just hope that Dad can"
"Steven!!"
"Huh?"
"Steven, I’ve been talking to you for five minutes. You haven’t heard a word I’ve said, have you?"
"Sorry, Linds, I was thinking of something else."
"I said, Do you want to get something to eat?"
"That would be great," said Steven. "What’d cha have in mind?"
The two of them entered the Harrison’s kitchen and Linda opened the refrigerator door and peered inside.
"Well, lets see, there is a pizza in the freezer, or I could whip up some spaghetti. I can make a killer spaghetti. And it would only take about 30 minutes."
"Either one would be fine – why don’t you make the spaghetti. I don’t want to go home just right now anyway, so you can take your time."
"OK, luv, spaghetti it is. Why don’t you go turn on the CD player over there and lets have a little chat while I’m fixing the gruel" Linda said.
"Which CD do you want?" asks Steve.
"Let’s see, put that old Madonna CD in. I have always liked her. She’s so independent – knows what she wants and goes after it."
"Yeah, I like Madonna, too," states Steven
Steven locates Madonna’s Immaculate Collection CD, takes it out of the jewel case and loads it into the drawer and hits the shuffle button. The player whirls to life and within seconds Express Yourself begins to play. Steven sits down at the kitchen table to watch Linda. Linda is all over the kitchen, grabbing a pan for this, snatching a pot for that, looking into the refrigerator and cabinets pulling out spices, tomatoes, noodles, and ground beef.
"I thought you’d just get a jar of Ragu and boil some noodles," Steven complains.
"Ragu? In this house? I don’t think so! It’s the real McCoy here, darling, I didn’t become cuddly by mistake you know"
"Linds, you’re the best!" exclaims Steven
"Shut your face" retorts Linda "I am trying to concentrate on measuring these ingredients"
"Yeah, yeah, OK" replies Steven as he reaches over and turns up the volume on the CD player.
Express Yourself had just ended and Crazy for You began to play.
Linda had just dropped the noodles into the big pot of boiling water when she noticed how quite it had become. She turned around to say something, but stopped short. Steven was crying.
"Honey, what’s the matter" pleads Linda, "Why the flood gates all of a sudden?"
"Oh Linda, I still love him!" cries Steven, "What am I going to do?"
Graham and Amanda Carter were sitting in the Den. For once, the telly was not on.
"But Amanda, he’s only sixteen. How does he know? He’s too young to be so sure of something like this"
"Graham, how old were you when you started liking girls?"
"Oh, fourteen or fifteen I guess."
"Liar, we were sixteen when we started dating, and we knew then what we wanted – why should Steven be any different?"
"Well it’s just not natural" Graham complains. "God intended for there to be a male and a female…."
"Now don’t you go bringing God into this, Graham, you haven’t darkened the doorway of a church building in over ten years. I’ve been reading up on this for several weeks now…"
"Several weeks?" Graham shouts, "How long have you known about this?"
"Don’t shout, Graham. I figured it out the night that policeman brought Steven home from those woods. I mean it doesn’t take a rocket scientist. All the signs were there, we just either didn’t pick up on them or ignored them, but they were there all the same."
"Well, I still think it is a phase. He’ll meet some nice girl and realize that he has made a bad choice and…."
"Choice?" Amanda cuts in, "Why would anyone choose to be ostracized and ridiculed by their family and friends? I don’t think Steven choose to be the way he is, he just is. And we need to support him. Who else does he have? I love him just the same as always and only want what’s best for him."
Graham replies "Well, I want what’s best for him too, but…"
"But what?" Amanda jumps in "He is our son. We need to just step back and let him have a little room, make sure he knows that we love him and will support him. As long as his decisions are based on that, I don’t think we have much to worry about. He is a bright kid, after all – just like his father"
Graham grinned. "OK, OK, I’ll withhold any judgements for the time being. We’ll let him decide the next step to take."
Amanda smiled. This had been easier than she originally thought.
Graham looked at Amanda and thought "Well, I’m still not sure what I am going to do."
Kevin and Dave were at Tellini’s Pizza Parlor on the square in downtown Basingstoke. They had ordered two large all-the-way pizzas and two large cokes. They had the cokes and some bread sticks, but the pizzas had not been delivered yet.
"So, does this mean what I think it means?" Dave asks.
"I don’t want to talk about it!" snaps Kevin.
"But Kevin, John has seen us in the locker room at school. And remember, that night a few months back, we went skinny dipping in his pool when his parents were out of town, and then slept in his room. All that time he….."
"Shut it!" yells Kevin. "I don’t think John knew what was going on" he continues. "It’s that little queer Steven Carter that’s to blame for all this mess. He has tricked John somehow."
"But how?" asks Dave.
"I don’t know" replies Kevin "Just drop it"
Dave goes on "But if Steve didn’t trick John, then that would mean that John is…"
"I can’t believe that!" Kevin says.
About that time the waitress shows up with the pizzas, piping hot, just out of the oven.
"Nope, I just don’t believe it" Kevin says as he starts to chomp down on the slice of pizza.
"Shit!!" he cries, "I just burned the fuck outta my tongue"
"You OK?" a voice asks from the next booth.
"God! John!" exclaims Kevin "how long have you been there?"
"Long enough" replies John as he leans over the back of the booth.
"Look, mates, we have been friends for a long time, hell, all our lives. But we need to talk. Can I join you?"
Kevin looked at Dave and Dave looked at Kevin then turned to John, "Yeah, come on over" he said.
Dave slides over in the booth towards the wall and John slips in next to him, sitting across from Kevin. John looks at both and begins to speak "Kevin, Dave – I made a pledge to myself this afternoon. No more lies. I have hurt and misled too many people, including you two, by keeping these lies hidden. So for the sake of our friendship and for my sanity, I have to come clean" John pauses to catch his breath and gather strength. "Guys, I am gay. Now I am still the same person you’ve always known, that hasn’t changed. But I can’t live with myself anymore knowing that I am hurting people. I hope you two understand and will stand with me, but if not, then I will respect your wishes. I know this is asking a lot, but I still want to be friends. If you feel you cannot, then, well, I guess I will miss you, but I have to do this."
Both Kevin and Dave sat there, mouths wide open, eyes blank for several moments. Finally Dave spoke up
"OK John, so what you’re saying is, no matter what we say or do, you’re still gonna be gay."
"Dave, I didn’t choose this." replies John "I didn’t wake up one morning two months ago and announce to myself "I think I’ll be gay from now on." It is something I’ve always known, but just kept repressed deep inside me until Steven made me realize who and what I was. It is not his fault. Don’t blame him."
"Well," Kevin began, "I still don’t understand, but you are the boss so I guess I will still be friends, but I don’t like Steven, he is just too strange"
"Kevin, if you want to remain friends with me, then, if he will take me back, it’s a package deal. Steven is included with me."
Kevin and Dave both still sat there. The pizza had grown cold and only two slices had been eaten. John got up from the booth. "Look guys, I want to be friends with you, but right now, getting Steven back is my number one priority. I hope you understand this. I have got to win Steven back!" With that, John left. Dave looked at Kevin and shrugged his shoulders and asked "Well, what are we gonna do?"
Jessica was over at Wendy’s house. Mark was there also. Steven was supposed to be there, but for obvious reasons, was absent. The gathering had been scheduled for weeks. They were there to count the proceeds from the just completed School Magazine sale. "Well," Wendy sighs, "we are coming up 60 quid short." "How’d the fuck did we loose 60 quid?" cries Mark. "Hutton is going to kill us"
"Wait a minute" says Jessica. "Steven left the school so quick after the assembly that he didn’t turn in his lot. The missing money is from his share."
"That’s it! Mystery solved!" exclaims Wendy "Thank God!"
Just about that time, Lucinda Bates, Wendy’s mother, pokes her head into the room "Anyone for some cake and coffee?" she asks. All three looked up and replied yes at the same time. "Well, I have put it out on the kitchen table – help yourselves"
"Thank you Mrs Bates" Mark replies as he walks past her.
"Trying for some brownie points, I see" teased Jessica as they made their way into the kitchen.
Jessica got the cups out of the cupboard and began to pour the coffee as Wendy cut the cake into slices. Mark grabbed plates, forks and napkins and they all sat down at the kitchen table. Mark spoke first.
"I hope Steven is OK. I should have known. I mean I was his best friend. I mean, I am his best friend."
"Mark don’t worry about Steven" Jessica says "He will be fine. Linda told me she would make sure he’s taken care of tonight"
"Who’s Linda" asks Wendy.
"Oh, Linda is Steven’s next door neighbor" replies Mark "She’s a year or two older than us. She works at the hair salon on the square downtown."
"I know her" replies Wendy, "She has cut my hair before. She sure was a talker while I was in her chair"
"Yeah, she’s nice. Steven is in good hands with her on duty" says Jessica. "I wonder how John is holding up?"
"John? John who?" inquires Wendy. Jessica realizes that Wendy and Mark have no idea about Steven and John. Should she tell them? Well, Steven did out himself today in front of them, so secrecy was no longer an issue.
"Well," began Jessica, "It’s like this…."
Jessica told Mark and Wendy all that she knew about Steven and John, up to the point where Steven leaves the school hallway after the Prize Day Assembly to go find John. She also tells them that Linda had found Steven later at the track and had taken him home. No one knew where John was or what he was thinking. Linda had told Jessica about Steven crying earlier, but she felt no need to include that in what she was telling them now. Wendy looked at Jessica and said "That’s why he broke up with Christina Lindman, then, isn’t it? Well, I wonder, what do you think they’re going to do now?"
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